THE BABE, THE BITCH AND THE BABY'S MOTHER

Times are tough, what with melting glaciers, civil wars and the ever increasing price of high class hookers...oh I’m sorry; Escorts. It would seem that the world is riddled with uncertainty and grey areas, so wouldn’t it be wise for us to take the things that are unchanging; box them, label them and put them on a high shelf for all to see? Blow away the wispy euphemisms and sweep away those dusty old code words. Dammit, is it not time we called a spade a spade instead of a chubby spoon? Women (and I say this from a place of sincere love and adoration) are the masters of the proverbial grey area. They never want to be labelled and simply despise it when anyone puts them in any type of box, but all flirtation and romance aside it is painfully obvious that there are in fact boxes but if it serves as any comfort; the boxes are large (plenty of leg room).

Let’s face it, there are three types of women that enter a man’s life throughout the course of his life; the babe, the bitch and the baby’s mother. These women serve as mirrors and reflect the stage of growth and maturity that a man is at. You judge a dog by its owner and you can tell a lot about a man and where he is in his life by looking at the woman he chooses to have on his arm at any given function. He will either have a babe, a bitch or a baby’s mother but either way if you are able to identify which one of the three she is, you will have booked yourself a front-row seat to the man’s intellectual and emotional stand point. Allow me to elaborate.



The Babe
Babe; derived from the English word “baby” colloquial word for infant. This is the introduction into the world of women. The entry-level-ass if you will. This is where it all begins; the irrational passion and STD’s that come with it, where life's long bonds are created whether by means of love or cyber stalking and restraining orders; this is the elixir of life. These are women that will say and do anything that their men desire. These are women who climb out of windows and skip work and school for a good rogering, followed by long conversations about how their men are sexual demigods. These are women who bring with them on any given day, bucket upon bucket of specially formulated grain to feed the male ego.

But, as the name suggests, these women are also just giant children. They require an incredible amount of patience and attention and are difficult to navigate. They are clingy, don’t take no for an answer and believe in happy endings and unicorns. They are a concentrated cocktail of naivety and daddy issues and serve as perfect “ego buffers drive-thru” for older men (and when I say older men I do not mean any age group in particular, by “older” I mean “those who should know better”).

The babe is a woman who does not leave her man’s side at a party; whose voice no one has ever heard because when she has something to say she whispers it her man’s ear. This is a woman that people call a girl regardless of her age. This is a woman who calls and then hangs up, sends three page sms’s and cries about every feeling that comes rushing over her.

There’s an appropriate time for a man to be dating this woman and that is when he can fall head over heels and be as caught up in the fantasy as she is. If he can be so drunk from infatuation that he hardly knows what day of the week it is, then he is in the right place. But if he is on the outside looking in on the poor “girl” spinning around in circles in a field of fake daisies; then he is a pervert, and everyone at the party is probably wondering what kind of a sexual, emotional or intellectual crisis could have prompted him to bring a toddler to such a prestigious gathering (even if it is a braai at Zoo Lake).



The Bitch
Bitch; female dog. Word used in colloquial English to describe a certain type of woman. In this article; a “brief encounters” type of woman.

This is the “no strings attached” woman. Arguably, the stage of a man’s life that lasts the longest is the stage that homes this particular woman. By the time he has finally shaken himself loose of the “babe” stage of his life, the average man is so incredibly emotionally exhausted that all he wants is to be screwed and not to be spoken to. Surprise! There are women out there who are ready and willing to abide by these deceptively simple rules. These are the women that embody the characters of the other woman, the makhwapheni, the booty call. These are the women that are picked up at clubs and taken home to perform mutually beneficial acts, and are considerate enough to pick all their synthetic hairs off the pillow in the morning before they leave in case their drive-by suitor turns out to be someone else’s permanent placement. It is believed that these are the sirens of the new millennium. Theirs are the voices that whisper “Do it” when the average man’s brain is screaming “This is a bad idea!”

They prowl the streets with juggernauts of flesh stuffed tightly in the back of designer jeans looking for their next victim. Behind them they leave a wake of men comatosed by sex induced strokes and after one night with this particular breed of woman, the man that encountered her finds that every time she enters a room he happens to be in; a film of sweat covers him from head to toe and he starts knocking back drinks like its December 31st. There are many misconceptions about these women, the most prominent of which is that they are victims: Babes are victims, bitches are comrades. These are women who are more likely to pat a man on the back and congratulate him on a job well done after a night of passion, rather than cuddle and talk about feelings. These are women who have mind blowing sex with a man at night and greet him with the lift of a brow and a crooked smile the very next morning. These are women whose issues far surpass any episode of Dr Phil or Oprah. These are women who could tell you stories that would give you an instant ear infection; women that men pray their mother’s don’t ever find out about but can’t wait to tell their friends about. Not many men consider their encounters with these women “a relationship” and even fewer will ever find themselves marrying them, because contrary to popular belief these women are not easy. They are difficult: Difficult to figure out, difficult to pin down and impossible to handle.

The only way to be with these women is to be like these women, i.e. to have no interest in the future and anything regarding it.



The Baby’s Mother
No definition needed. However elaboration is important because these aren’t only women with children. These are also the women who are most likely to say the words “I’m pregnant” to their man. These are the women that signify the end which is why men avoid them for as long as possible. We’ve all heard groups of women – drunk on wine - wonder why they aren’t married yet, “I mean I cook and I clean and look after every man that I have ever been with, but for some reason these bastards prefer a loose neck hussy who thinks the square root of nine is glitter!” Yes, we’ve all heard this conversation put on repeat and if you have been paying attention you will recognise the “loose neck hussy” as “the babe”. (These conversations would not occur if women were more open to the idea of boxes...but that is a conversation for another day.)

The baby’s mother is a woman who is not afraid to tell her man what she thinks and when he is wrong. She’s right, she does cook and clean but a man shouldn’t expect as much praise and worship as he would receive from say...the babe. With her; the baby’s mother brings stability, quiet nights, home cooked meals and ironed clothing. No sexual gymnastics and ankles tied to bed posts. No more R Kelly playing in the background while the alpha male and his conquest fill the room with the smell of burning rubber. No, that disgustingly delicious smell is replaced with that of daffodil scented air freshener and clean towels. Average man starts to slowly back out of a room when they recognise a woman as a baby’s mother because most men don’t think they are ready for that level of commitment. But this is where most men’s truths lie; where maturity manifests itself.



For some reason people seem to think that the most difficult part of going through these stages is being in these stages, but the most difficult thing about these stages is recognising when one has run its course. Deciding to grow up; knowing when to say when.

It’s a definite sign of growth and maturity when a man can walk into a room with a woman and not inspire whispers from women and perspiration from men.

Admiration: that is the only adjective that a grown man should be interested in inspiring.

THE OTHERS

Some people believe them to be mythical creatures of a forgotten era, others dub them an urban myth and many assume that they are all in Swaziland but the fact is; twenty-something virgins walk among us. You’ll find them nodding with the concentration of a matric student during, what the rest of us consider to be, casual sex talks over drinks. Or looking particularly shifty eyed and alarmingly sober as a heavy night at the club leans towards its end. Their crisp voices pierce through a thick alcoholic mist at those decadent pre-orgy boy/girl chill sessions with the four words any man on the cusp of scoring hates to hear “Look at the time”. Yes they walk among us and they all evoke one question: What the hell are they waiting for?



In real life the statement “I’m a virgin” is usually responded to with phrases like “Oh that’s great.” And “You wait as long as you can honey” or “Keep it for somebody special” and “Making love is sacred”. But in this article those responses have a time limit, after which those responses are replaced by words like “What?” and “Why?”. Its all good and well sharing all the warm and fluffy aspects of a woman (or man for that matter) holding onto their virginity well into their twenties, but in the spirit of honesty (and the controversial nature of this article) it is only fair that the more cold and real aspects be brought to the attention of these hoarder s. Have I gone too far? Let’s explore this:



There are generally two types of virgins; those who do it for religious reasons and those who do it for other reasons. The ones who do it for religious reasons usually wait for a higher power to guide them to a partner with whom they will then enter into a nuptial agreement and proceed to pop one another’s cherries. This particular breed of virgin tends to marry young and so do not remain virgins for as long as one would think. These are the regular, run of the mill virgins that we have come to accept/ignore (We get it, there are commandments and if you are right then we, the casual sex community, will accept defeat and form an orderly queue at the gates of hell). However these are not the virgins that intrigue and confuse us. It is THE OTHERS, that have us bothered. E.g. A guy and his friend’s take out a bunch of girls. He picks up during their conversation that the girl he is interested in is a virgin. He also picks up, from the way she is knocking back drinks and punctuating her sentences with the word F**k, that the choice is not religiously propelled. As the night progresses and he gets to know Miss Potty-Mouth he stops believing she is a virgin and eventually forgets about it all together. It is only when he is reclined in the driver’s seat of his car and she is using the steering wheel as a head rest as she prepares to “speak into the mic” that she decides to revisit her decision to remain a virgin: Typical “OTHERS” behaviour.



The timid virgin that we once saw in the late eighties and early nineties has become obsolete. That virgin, that; “mythical creature of a forgotten era”, never confused anyone because that virgin removed herself from all sexual situations. She wore knees length skirts and remained as awkward as possible. The OTHERS are not as considerate. They study and master hand jobs and blow smoke rings (amongst other things). They go out more than the average woman, wear less than the average woman and own things they have no business owning like crotch-less panties. Why? Why do they do it?



Rejection is generally difficult to accept but it has that much more of a sting when it is done in nudity. Now we find men (more than would like to admit), lying naked in dark rooms having to have the awkward: “Oh please just once/ I won’t put it all in/ I’ll take it out if it hurts” conversations. Where as if Ms Virgin Loosey had made her virginity a holistic theme throughout her life, this type of degradation could have been avoided.



When did the game change? At what point did virgins become so incredibly conniving and underhanded? The questions come by the thousands and are enough to make the average man’s head explode but the core theory is quite simple and easy to understand. The OTHERS are a product of circumstance; creatures of evolution if you will. Once upon a time virgins looked and sounded like librarians and their mere presence was enough to make all viable suitors slowly back out of any room in so doing perpetuating their virginity to the point of discomfort. Why did men flee? Because no man, of the casual sex community, wants to bear the monumental responsibility of being “the one”. Being stalked loses its charm after 25 and nailing a virgin who has crossed this threshold heightens ones risk of being stalked. No matter how prepared a female thinks she is for her first time, no matter how few strings she plans to attach to the snatcher of her innocence the fact is she will manage to project all sorts of emotions and expectations onto whoever the sucker is whether she intended to or not. For example: If it was good she will want to call and check if it was as good for him but she will lose her nerve as soon as she hears his voice on the other line, take a few deep breathes and when she realises she doesn’t know what to say to him she will hang up (heavy breathing call number one). If it is bad she will want to make it up to him and she’ll throw on her trench coat and wear nothing underneath, she’ll drive over to his house and then realised as she sits in her parked car that this was probably a bad idea (while he watches from his bedroom window contemplating whether to call the police).



No man (casual sexer or not) wants to be put in that position. In those wonderful teen years when everyone is trying every drug they can find and our threshold for alcohol is so low that ten people can get slaughtered on a single bottle of Jack, everyone is trading virginities like Pokémon talismans. So if it turns out to be the worst sexual experience of one’s life; all is forgiven because no one was expecting much of anyone else. But with age, expectations increase, and expectations mean strings. And this is where the OTHERS have learnt their biggest lesson...they have learnt to exude stringlessness. They put up a facade of callousness and pretend to hold nothing sacred which buys them enough time to suss out who they think “the one” is. So that’s it! The OTHERS are keeping their hymens for that special someone and acting as loose as Tibetan clothing is just a part of a bigger plan.



The fact is; sex is a hard nut to crack (there are no puns in that sentence). It is the only thing on earth that one’s body can desperately crave before ever having had it. Now, no one is saying lock up all old virgins and throw away the key...no that would be cruel. This is simply an appeal to the OTHERS: Your virginity obviously means something to you otherwise you would have lost it with the rest of us in high school, so act like it. Nothing screams

WHEN THINGS COME TOGETHER:

Coincidences have become more and more rare in modern day life. When things happen at the same time or seem to be in sync i.e. coincidentally, more often than not there was a lot of thought, preparation and applied skill involved. Point being; coincidence cannot be relied on. For this particular subject (which will be revealed shortly) a lot of women had to be spoken to and the following was uncovered: Women are lying to protect men’s feelings and it is ruining the world of sexual satisfaction.

I’m not big on research and statistics and numbers, I prefer to shoot from the hip but to write this article I had to do a few interviews, because I simply had to hear it for myself. My interviews consisted of two questions: “Do you fake orgasms?” and “Why?”

It seems that the general consensus was that the maintenance of a healthy relationship would always require some form of self sacrifice. However if men are sacrificing their sanity and women their orgasms; the world is in trouble because a women scorned has nothing on a woman sexually frustrated. So again we are led to the question: WHY?

It’s easy to dump the blame in either sexes lap…allow me to explore:

WHY IT S THE WOMAN’S FAULT:

If a man does not know there’s a problem he has no reason to break out his tool box and start fixing anything. The general response to this by females is that “there is no problem per say…just because I don’t orgasm every time I have sex, doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy it.” However there is a large difference between not having an orgasm every time one has sex and not having an orgasm ever, and after much probing (no pun intended), many women went on to admit that they had in fact never had an orgasm to begin with, or at least not at the hands of anyone other than themselves (this gem of information goes down as clue number one). They all expressed that there is never a right time to reveal that they are not anywhere near climaxing and to spare his feelings they just start screaming at the top of their lungs when they have had enough.

His feelings are of the utmost importance when the lights are off and the two parties involved are all alone locked in a naked sweaty embrace…he is vulnerable and care must be taken when handling his ego. However he must man up or grow a tougher skin with time because his feelings become less of a priority when Miss-Missy names and shames him over drinks at Capello’s at a table full of women loudly whispering “Either I have a huge Huu-Haa or he has a tiny Ding-Ding either way all between the two of us we managed to make nothing but noise.”

So we can fault the women, we can point out that their inability to be direct and their absolute refusal to take charge is nothing but an injustice to not only themselves but to the sexual revolution as a whole. Ladies can’t continue to pretend that cum chasing is impossible because: SURPRISE! People do it! It happens all the time, I have personally witnessed men and women hand pick the person that they think most likely to make them hit a high F.

WHY IT IS THE MAN’S FAULT:

REALLY? Come on homies you are honestly going to pretend not to know the difference between a real “Oh my God I think I’m about to…” and a fake one? The options are minimal brother, either you have never had any woman fake an orgasm with you or you have never had a woman actually orgasm with you but to not have the physical sensitivity to be able to tell the difference is a stretch. While the whole “Do you and I’ll do me” theory is all good and well…I often wonder; when gents are sitting around having those “I made her cum three times” conversations…how do these misers contribute? Do they silently sip their drinks, their eyes darting around the room like they’re in a line up?

The horror of the concept of their being twenty-something men who have had countless sexual partners and have failed to bring a single one to orgasm is enough to make queasy. The excuses stop when one hits 23, thereafter being a human dipstick is frowned upon. By twenty-five it is internationally expected of both men and women (but for some reason especially men *I don’t make the rules*) to have attained at least a little bit of skill when it comes to the art of rogering. So it is true a considerable amount of me need to learn to LISTEN with their bodies in order to hone their skills.

However the blame game aside, clue number one is where the solution lies…namely; one (and by one I do mean women) can almost always count on an orgasm at one’s own hand but with another party? Not so reliable. And though the childish thing to say would be “well that means I’m boss and Party number two is pap” the truth of the matter is; it’s all on whoever aint cuming to the party! We all have a personal responsibility to satisfy ourselves and in so doing satisfy others. This may seem contrary to the point previously made, however there is a difference between blindly banging (cum chasing) and satisfying. When one fully satisfies one’s self one unknowingly shares the joy. Though is important that one doesn’t ignore the second party in a sexual situation, it is equally as important to include oneself in the equation. Which is why so many women miss out on the big O. the very thing that makes women, women is the thing that stands between them and that high F. their nurturing nature causes them to put all the emphasis on the gent who is then blamed when nothing happens. If a woman has never orgasmed but has been with her fair share of men…I would think it would be time to look at the common denominator.

So gents read these words, study them and the next time you FEEL your woman fake it sit her down and look her dead in the eyes and say (from a place of love): “You aren’t fooling me babes…so ask yourself this: who are you fooling?”