THE BABE, THE BITCH AND THE BABY'S MOTHER

Times are tough, what with melting glaciers, civil wars and the ever increasing price of high class hookers...oh I’m sorry; Escorts. It would seem that the world is riddled with uncertainty and grey areas, so wouldn’t it be wise for us to take the things that are unchanging; box them, label them and put them on a high shelf for all to see? Blow away the wispy euphemisms and sweep away those dusty old code words. Dammit, is it not time we called a spade a spade instead of a chubby spoon? Women (and I say this from a place of sincere love and adoration) are the masters of the proverbial grey area. They never want to be labelled and simply despise it when anyone puts them in any type of box, but all flirtation and romance aside it is painfully obvious that there are in fact boxes but if it serves as any comfort; the boxes are large (plenty of leg room).

Let’s face it, there are three types of women that enter a man’s life throughout the course of his life; the babe, the bitch and the baby’s mother. These women serve as mirrors and reflect the stage of growth and maturity that a man is at. You judge a dog by its owner and you can tell a lot about a man and where he is in his life by looking at the woman he chooses to have on his arm at any given function. He will either have a babe, a bitch or a baby’s mother but either way if you are able to identify which one of the three she is, you will have booked yourself a front-row seat to the man’s intellectual and emotional stand point. Allow me to elaborate.



The Babe
Babe; derived from the English word “baby” colloquial word for infant. This is the introduction into the world of women. The entry-level-ass if you will. This is where it all begins; the irrational passion and STD’s that come with it, where life's long bonds are created whether by means of love or cyber stalking and restraining orders; this is the elixir of life. These are women that will say and do anything that their men desire. These are women who climb out of windows and skip work and school for a good rogering, followed by long conversations about how their men are sexual demigods. These are women who bring with them on any given day, bucket upon bucket of specially formulated grain to feed the male ego.

But, as the name suggests, these women are also just giant children. They require an incredible amount of patience and attention and are difficult to navigate. They are clingy, don’t take no for an answer and believe in happy endings and unicorns. They are a concentrated cocktail of naivety and daddy issues and serve as perfect “ego buffers drive-thru” for older men (and when I say older men I do not mean any age group in particular, by “older” I mean “those who should know better”).

The babe is a woman who does not leave her man’s side at a party; whose voice no one has ever heard because when she has something to say she whispers it her man’s ear. This is a woman that people call a girl regardless of her age. This is a woman who calls and then hangs up, sends three page sms’s and cries about every feeling that comes rushing over her.

There’s an appropriate time for a man to be dating this woman and that is when he can fall head over heels and be as caught up in the fantasy as she is. If he can be so drunk from infatuation that he hardly knows what day of the week it is, then he is in the right place. But if he is on the outside looking in on the poor “girl” spinning around in circles in a field of fake daisies; then he is a pervert, and everyone at the party is probably wondering what kind of a sexual, emotional or intellectual crisis could have prompted him to bring a toddler to such a prestigious gathering (even if it is a braai at Zoo Lake).



The Bitch
Bitch; female dog. Word used in colloquial English to describe a certain type of woman. In this article; a “brief encounters” type of woman.

This is the “no strings attached” woman. Arguably, the stage of a man’s life that lasts the longest is the stage that homes this particular woman. By the time he has finally shaken himself loose of the “babe” stage of his life, the average man is so incredibly emotionally exhausted that all he wants is to be screwed and not to be spoken to. Surprise! There are women out there who are ready and willing to abide by these deceptively simple rules. These are the women that embody the characters of the other woman, the makhwapheni, the booty call. These are the women that are picked up at clubs and taken home to perform mutually beneficial acts, and are considerate enough to pick all their synthetic hairs off the pillow in the morning before they leave in case their drive-by suitor turns out to be someone else’s permanent placement. It is believed that these are the sirens of the new millennium. Theirs are the voices that whisper “Do it” when the average man’s brain is screaming “This is a bad idea!”

They prowl the streets with juggernauts of flesh stuffed tightly in the back of designer jeans looking for their next victim. Behind them they leave a wake of men comatosed by sex induced strokes and after one night with this particular breed of woman, the man that encountered her finds that every time she enters a room he happens to be in; a film of sweat covers him from head to toe and he starts knocking back drinks like its December 31st. There are many misconceptions about these women, the most prominent of which is that they are victims: Babes are victims, bitches are comrades. These are women who are more likely to pat a man on the back and congratulate him on a job well done after a night of passion, rather than cuddle and talk about feelings. These are women who have mind blowing sex with a man at night and greet him with the lift of a brow and a crooked smile the very next morning. These are women whose issues far surpass any episode of Dr Phil or Oprah. These are women who could tell you stories that would give you an instant ear infection; women that men pray their mother’s don’t ever find out about but can’t wait to tell their friends about. Not many men consider their encounters with these women “a relationship” and even fewer will ever find themselves marrying them, because contrary to popular belief these women are not easy. They are difficult: Difficult to figure out, difficult to pin down and impossible to handle.

The only way to be with these women is to be like these women, i.e. to have no interest in the future and anything regarding it.



The Baby’s Mother
No definition needed. However elaboration is important because these aren’t only women with children. These are also the women who are most likely to say the words “I’m pregnant” to their man. These are the women that signify the end which is why men avoid them for as long as possible. We’ve all heard groups of women – drunk on wine - wonder why they aren’t married yet, “I mean I cook and I clean and look after every man that I have ever been with, but for some reason these bastards prefer a loose neck hussy who thinks the square root of nine is glitter!” Yes, we’ve all heard this conversation put on repeat and if you have been paying attention you will recognise the “loose neck hussy” as “the babe”. (These conversations would not occur if women were more open to the idea of boxes...but that is a conversation for another day.)

The baby’s mother is a woman who is not afraid to tell her man what she thinks and when he is wrong. She’s right, she does cook and clean but a man shouldn’t expect as much praise and worship as he would receive from say...the babe. With her; the baby’s mother brings stability, quiet nights, home cooked meals and ironed clothing. No sexual gymnastics and ankles tied to bed posts. No more R Kelly playing in the background while the alpha male and his conquest fill the room with the smell of burning rubber. No, that disgustingly delicious smell is replaced with that of daffodil scented air freshener and clean towels. Average man starts to slowly back out of a room when they recognise a woman as a baby’s mother because most men don’t think they are ready for that level of commitment. But this is where most men’s truths lie; where maturity manifests itself.



For some reason people seem to think that the most difficult part of going through these stages is being in these stages, but the most difficult thing about these stages is recognising when one has run its course. Deciding to grow up; knowing when to say when.

It’s a definite sign of growth and maturity when a man can walk into a room with a woman and not inspire whispers from women and perspiration from men.

Admiration: that is the only adjective that a grown man should be interested in inspiring.